“Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.” -Mark Amend

“Dear heart,

Don’t be discouraged. Don’t be disappointed. There is no such thing as failure. We’ve been conditioned to believe. We are told it’s our biology. It’s a natural process. The evil lies within the practitioners, with conspiracies to intervene with their medical witchcraft.

But dear heart, natural is great, and for many easily achieved, but listen…so is death.

It’s our biology. It’s a natural process. For most, our trust lies within the practitioner with the goal to intervene with each life-saving medical breakthrough. Natural is best, until it’s not. We are a flawed creation, and if we were to apply the ridiculous ideals we hold for women and childbirth to other areas of health and life, we would see how very misled we are.

Natural is best: a failure to progress, abnormal presentation, prolapsed umbilical cords, umbilical cord compression, placenta previa, meconium inhalation, nuchal cord, infection, cephalopelvic disproportion, preeclampsia, placental abruption, congenital abnormality, haemorrhage, atonic uterus, ruptured uterus, trauma, retained placenta, placenta accreta, blood clots, sepsis, amniotic fluid embolism, nerve damage, incontinence, intrapartum asphyxia, malpresentation, birth defects, dystocia, infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth.

Natural is best, until it’s not.

I know how much you love facts; How much you need proof, so here it is: According to the World Health Organisation, “Globally, little progress has been made in reducing maternal mortality. An estimated 515,000 women die each year as a result of pregnancy and childbirth”, 7 million have serious long-term complications and 50 million women have negative outcomes following delivery. But natural is best, until it’s not. UNICEF findings show that most maternal deaths were preventable. Only 7% of women who died while giving birth had with them a skilled medical attendant. Evidence shows that to deal with these harrowing statistics, UNICEF and other aid organisations have been establishing health care services, equipping them with essential drugs and equipment, with capacity to undertake caesarean sections, assisted delivery and safe blood transfusions, providing training to establish skilled birthing attendants, nurses and midwives, along with providing education to recognise signs in abnormal pregnancy and complications. Lets make this comparison clearer: for every 1,000 live births, 118 Afghani babies with die and in Australia only 4. Now times these horrendous truths by all the other underdeveloped nations in the world. When comparing statistics on maternal and infant mortality rates, it’s conclusive from all major agencies, and for most with a hint of common sense, these discrepancies are due to the “lack of access to medical intervention.” (UNICEF)

Now why would I overwhelm you with all of this? The facts are, a problem- free, natural pregnancy and labour is desirable and definitely achievable, but will not be for everyone. The truth is, 1 in 4 women in our developed nations, including Australia, require medical intervention, whether it is induction, augmentation, episiotomy, forceps delivery, vacuum delivery or caesarean section… and we’re surviving. Dear heart, remind yourself of the aim. The aim isn’t to join a club of drug-free dolphin mums. The aim is not to somehow prove your womanhood. The aim is to survive, just as women have been doing since the dawn of time. We are the lucky ones who get to reap the reward of childbirth. Some never see the day; others go home with empty arms. 

Children’s Hospital queue, Cambodia. 

Children’s Hospital queue, Cambodia.

In our developed nations we live longer, with greater quality of life, and we can thank the ever-improving access to medical intervention. Our pathetic ‘first world problems’ constantly cloud our better judgements, as we all continue to live with a sense of ‘entitlement’. Remember when you visited that Children’s Hospital in Cambodia? The endless queue that weaved around the block of parents cradling their children waiting to see a doctor. You were told that many won’t go home, but will stay for days until someone can see them. Remember how embarrassed you felt; how you couldn’t make yourself take a photo of the queue of people. Remember how you thought, “how does this happen?”, and for a moment in time you had a deep sense of appreciation for what you had? I’m not surprised that you had forgotten. Oh, how quickly you forget the injustices of the world and continue to be swept up in your own little ambitions. How lucky you are to have resource. How lucky you are to be educated on what you want. How lucky you are to have a choice, or at least entertain the idea of choice. How lucky you are to know that natural is best, but when it’s not, you have teams and resources on your side fighting for your survival.

Dear heart, you are no less of a woman, let alone any less of a mother. Sometimes the lavender candles and happy thoughts aren’t enough. “If you want it enough, you’ll get it”, but dear heart, you know that’s not true. We need to remind our sisters that going through two days of labour resulting in an emergency C-section is not ‘disappointing’; You have experienced all there is to be a mum. Remind your friends, that scheduling a C-section on doctor’s orders is not a cop-out; You are not missing out on anything that will make you more ‘mum’. If you’ve gone through the tedious, heart wrenching IVF process, if your labour has failed to progress, if you’re requiring an induction, if nothing is going as planned, just remember… your body has not failed you. You are but the result of a perfectly fallen human nature. If baby becomes distressed and all your well-meaning plans go out the window, you epitomise everything it is to be a ‘mum’; giving up your own wishes and desires for the health of your child. You have not been defeated. And don’t forget to tell your sisters, if you’ve been blessed to have all your ducks line up in a row and it all works out just as you had imagined, we are relieved and pleased for you. If you feel you need to be an advocate for your cause, we will cheer with you, but we also hope you will cheer for us. Don’t look down on us, but lift us up, as we all know, natural is best, until it’s not. Block out the toxic opinions of others. Some people will never understand that not all experiences are the same. Don’t be conformed to the pressures of social-media. Comment threads are merely the over-compensation of a hurting world. 

Dear heart, sometimes things feel unfair, but it is ok. No one holds anymore value than the next person. Life happens. You know this. No one has taken anything away from you. Don’t be discouraged. Don’t be disappointed. There is no such thing as failure… just be grateful.”

If I could go back in time, I’d write this to myself. I’d make sure I read it, again and again. I’d read it until I believed it. Until the words could be recited off by heart, until it ran through my veins and became truth…

… because nothing went to plan.

“People change for two main reasons: their minds have been opened, or their hearts have been broken.”

Sometimes we forget how good we’ve actually got it…

*Stats: World Health Organisation, UNICEF.org & UN.org