“I don’t know why the innocent fall, while the monsters still stand” – Brooke Frasier

It’s my very last appointment at the Feto-Maternity Unit. I’m 29 weeks and 4 days and I’ve graduated. All my appointments from now on will be within the general antenatal unit. My doctor, along with a visiting doctor from Bowral, greet me. New doctor man reads my file and makes small talk as the last ultrasound is conducted. It’s the last time I’ll see the little man in black and white before we meet in person. I’m somewhat sad, but relieved to be saying goodbye to this place. Relieved, as I can finally distance myself from this place that had brought me so much sorrow and anxiety, but saddened that the reassurance I’ve been getting from these world-class professionals is no longer at my service. I guess I’ll just need to trust that everything will be ok.

I’m evidently pregnant now, but there is still no sign of any maternal instinct kicking in. I don’t go gaga over little babies; however, I do find the tiny little clothes somewhat… moving? I’ve filled my time planning. I’m so, so busy planning, planning, planning. I have lists for the lists I’ve written and lists for lists that still need to be written. What I need, what I want… research, research, research… only the best and safest of everything. I’ve got it all covered… from prams to liners… from car seats to cloth nappy snappies. It’s all ready. I’m all ready. All I need now is to hunt and gather!

My first prey: the pram. We’ve been very fortunate to have a lovely family friend give us a Mountain Buggy Swift, which is just amazing! However, I have my eyes on the holy grail of prams, the Emmaljunga Mondial Duo Combi – It. is. serious.- However, I’m not exactly comfortable with paying the hefty price tag of $2200. Challenge accepted. I have morphed into a lioness stalking her prey. I end up locating a barely used Emmaljunga in Berry, which included all the attachments and accessories… perfect condition… for a mere fraction of the price!!! I still have to pinch myself. And when we met the lovely lady, she threw in a whole bassinet of toys! This whole baby paraphernalia hunting is seriously consuming me… and I love it. It’s distracting. It’s numbing. It’s just what I need. Next on the list… pram covers.

 

My fur babies are still the real babies in our family. My dog, Mace, has no suspicion as to what is going on, however, I think Ketut our cat, has caught wift of something. He seems to think that all these new and exciting furnishing in the house are somehow his… and his always got an eye on me. I remember hearing once that cat’s can suffocate newborn babies… I must remember to ‘shoo’ him off the baby gear… wait, I’ll just put that on my list.

I’ve slowly started turning the radio back on. I’m still emotionally unstable with music, but I’m starting to enjoy bopping away again to most songs. Aww, a cute new song about a baby bump by Ed Sheeran. What lovely timing.

 “You are my one and only. You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. And you’ll be alright… ‘cause you were a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life. Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still unaware as why.”

 You are extremely talented, Ed… but that was cruel… that was very, very cruel.

Music off, get the lists back out. Let’s just drown out these thoughts with a little more busyness.

“You don’t understand what I’m doing now, but someday you will.” -Jesus