What we allow is what will continue.

It’s official. I’ve never, ever, ever been this pregnant before. I keep finding myself uttering it randomly to people in passing. What the heck is wrong with me? I don’t think they want to know your amazingly awkward achievement. Am I getting some type of pleasure out of making people uncomfortable? I seem to have a natural knack of it. Maybe it’s just a bit of a plea. Maybe you can celebrate with me now? Maybe I can now be normal like all the other pregnant ladies? Maybe now we can share stories of pregnancy aches and pains… you know… all the joys I keep hearing about.

The all-day-long sickness has finally passed. It seems I can now stay awake between daylight hours. My tummy is continuing to stretch, and little one has developed an obsession with hiccups. My hair, skin and nails are looking fabulous, however, my UTI battles have continued. Yes, that torturous symptom. Do I need to wee? Am I going to wee my pants? O. M. G. I’ve got to wee! Quick, quick! Oh no… wait… it’s just an invisible fireball of razor blades passing through… never mind! Copious amounts of water along with the little packets of Ural are my staples. Do you know how hard it is to find real cranberry juice?

Besides this minor inconvenience, everything else is on track. I’ve now adjusted my sleeping patterns to sleep on my left side, as apparently it improves blood flow/nutrients to the placenta. Knowing this, I’d feel completely guilty to sleep any other way now. Has anyone mentioned anything about pregnancy guilt?

I’ve had 2 ultrasounds this week. Two very unexpected ones. I woke up in hot sweats and extreme pain during the night. I make my millionth trip to the loo within the hour, when I notice my wee wasn’t the colour it usually was. It’s red. My heart sinks. Stay calm. I consult doctor google while sitting in a warm bath to relieve my pain. Google search: “blood in urine pregnancy 22 weeks” Am I going to die? Are we going to die? I read that it could be nothing serious, but that it also could be. I choose to believe it’s just a pesky infection and brave out the night until I can make a doctors appointment in the morning.

It’s 8am. I haven’t slept. My wee is red. I’m brave. I call the docs; “Sorry, the doctors are completely booked out today.” Hesitation. “May I ask what the concern is?” Well… I’m 22 weeks pregnant and I’ve been peeing blood all night. “Straight to emergency, now!” I hang up the phone, look at hubby and burst out crying. My attempt at being brave has evidently backfired. This can’t be happening. We’re supposed to be driving to Canberra today for a weekend away. Hospitals are too dramatic. Emergency sounds too serious. Maybe I should have gone earlier? We drive in and I’m taken straight through with a catheter inserted in my hand, blood tests, urine samples and my kidneys are scanned. I also get given a sneak peek of little one again. Yep, still a boy. The docs have my thick-manila file sent down from the unit. That overflowing manila folder that haunts me at every appointment.

As the hours pass I actually start to feel better. Tired, but better. My kidneys look fine. No proteins have been detected and I am discharged with a renal ultrasound referral and the diagnoses of ‘Hematuria’; which is simply a fancy word for “blood in urine”. Great… another addition to my manila folder.

We pack our bags and drive to Canberra pretending like nothing has happened. It seems I’ve been walking on egg shells for so long that I’ve forgotten how to stride. I’m not brave. I’m terrified. Every waking moment I am so freaking terrified. I no longer exist. I am just a skeleton of my former self. I’m not a person, I’m a reflection. A hollow shell. What am I even doing here? My pieces just don’t fit together anymore. Please… please tell me more about the joys of pregnancy. Please tell me how wonderful it is experiencing life from the inside out. I want to be normal, like everyone else. A glowing, tummy rubbing, annoying, gloating mother-to-be.

Ok, now. Pity-party over. Get on with it. You’re alive. He’s alive. You now have beautiful photos of your kidneys and it was all for free. Suck it up, princess. Nothing is going to change unless you do.

When we are no longer able to change a situation- we are challenged to change ourselves. –Viktor Franki