‘Time is a physician that heals every grief’ – Diphilus

It’s been a whole 5 weeks and I’m scheduled for my first appointment back at the hospital with the Genetic Counsellors. We are hoping for some ‘answers’. I don’t let hubby come. I feel he’s already been through enough, and I make out that the appointment is just a ‘check up’. He fights it, but realises quickly that it’s not up for discussion. My mum on the other hand… well… she doesn’t take no for an answer, and I realise quickly that it’s not up for discussion. Touché. Walking back through the hospital again felt surreal… all my sense are heightened as if I’m dreaming, but I feel completely disconnected. This didn’t happen. The two doctors give their condolences with those haunting sad eyes that seem to follow me everywhere. They explained their concern regarding this appointment being “too soon” after everything that had happened. I’ve been waiting 5 weeks to know! It’s not soon enough! They then went on to ask questions about family medical history and revealed the results from the amniocentesis and autopsy. We find out that she had a ‘severe form of a rare and complex anomaly’. Medically, there are no genetic or environmental reasons how or why. No rhyme. No reason. No explanation. “Just because.” I don’t cry. I just nod and say ‘ok’. It hurts. It hurts really bad. “You’re taking this very well.” Well, how else am I supposed to take it? Tear my clothes to express my deep sorrow? I’m sure if mum wasn’t there I would be a puddle, but I have someone to be brave for. They go on to explain that the likelihood of anything happening in future pregnancy is the same as everyone else. We all get put back into the lotto, but nevertheless, I’m told to contact them when we’re ready to have another baby (no thanks) and they’ll ‘look after me’. I’m booked in for a subsequent appointment in a few weeks to see a ‘panel’ at the Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Clinic and to have ‘questions ready’. My head is already flooded with questions as I digest this new insight. No reason? No one? Nothing to blame? Not even the cheeseburger?  I don’t want to go. Enough already.

With all this information and no-answer answers, I return to work the next day. Get your smile ready… lights, camera… who am I kidding. This sucks.