This was a week of milestones. Marvellous, momentous milestones. This week marked a whole 3 weeks since my last vomit (hooray!), our 2nd wedding anniversary, the grand halfway point (yes, 20 weeks!) and the anticipated appointment in which we’d be finding out the gender of our Little One. We’d decided to be one of those couples who don’t want to wait. The bets are on… boy or girl?

This momentous week began with a quick weekend away to our smallest state, Tasmania. At the foot of Mt. Wellington, we marvel at all things touristy. We explored the famous Salamanca Markets, which lie amidst the canopy of plane trees and sandstone warehouses, which tells of Hobart’s rich colonial heritage… Gosh, I sound like a walking advertisement. The Lark Distillery was a point of interest, however, was overflowing at every attempted visit… not that I minded though. In my opinion, a pregnant lady watching her hubby drink in a whiskey factory looks a little ‘wrong’. Before we knew it, our little anniversary weekend away, also referred to as our ‘baby moon’, came to an end. What a beautiful place. We’re relaxed, dined, refreshed, feel a tad more cultured and excited for the week that lies ahead…

When I booked my morphology scan many weeks earlier, I was astonished when the lady on the phone told me our appointment would be on the 1st of May… How did she know? What a sweet gift from the universe. We can celebrate 2 momentous occasions on the same day! Our anniversary and finally finding out if ‘it‘ is a he or she.

The day started like every other, however, on this Tuesday morning I was greeted with a bunch of flowers from one of my thoughtful students who obviously remembered what today was. All day, I await in anticipation for the time to tick over to meet hubby at the radiologists. After in which we would celebrate! We had the last appointment for the day so… everything… just… dragged… on. My bladder is full and ready to go.

Lying on that ultrasound table I feel sick. I’m not ill… just sick from the quiet joy which is bouncing from wall to wall… that wants to scream… that wants to cry… that wants to yell I’m so happy! I’m so scared! I’m so overwhelmed! I’m so ready…!

 The young man, who seems to be scanning forever is examining intently. Stop worrying… everything will be ok! It’s all in your crazy head. Why is he asking us these questions? It’s just standard procedure, I’m sure… Show us! Tell us! Celebrate with us! In my mind, I’m playing out the scene… * He turns the screen and says; “Congratulations, it’s a …”. *

… But instead he pauses, gathers himself and utters, “I’m really sorry… something is seriously wrong.”

20+1 weeks

Nothing more is really revealed, except that it is ‘serious’ and relating to the babies organs. I can sense pity from the sad man. We are immediately booked into the hospital for the next day with no hints, no clues, no warnings. He seems perplexed when my only response was, “Can I please have a photo.”

The sick feeling returns, but this time it’s an echoing silence of disbelief and confusion. I can already feel my skin thickening… my shell forming… my wall building… I’m scared! I’m overwhelmed, I’m quietly hopeful, I’m not ready…

That night the bubbly goes untouched, the celebrations are on hold, family and friends awaiting the good news are dragged into the dark with us. I go to sleep wishing this day never happened, hoping tomorrow never comes.

And I pray…

Happy Anniversary, my love.