I’ve always been health conscious. Not in a whimsical Crossfit-Paleo-Mega Cleanse kind of way. Just simply staying active and eating all foods in moderation. I consistently gymed or played some type of sport and regularly took my ‘vitamins’. I’d always imagined, before falling pregnant, that I’d be the ideal pregnant woman. My body is a temple that will be housing the future wellbeing of my unborn child. I will eat well and continue to exercise.  Oh… how I would scoff at those pregnant women eating McDonalds and guzzling Coca-Cola. Don’t you know your baby is eating that? You may as well be shoving a burger in your uterus! Would you give a newborn a bottle of coke? How disgusting! That child has no chance!

How ignorant! How naïve! How stupid I was! Since early pregnancy, I have been plagued with such illness! I heave so hard that I can feel the capillaries in my face bursting… my eyes bulging… my bladder waiving… every morning… most afternoons… sick, sick, sick…  all. the. time. I have now mastered the art of vomiting and carry a plastic bag everywhere… I’ve learned how to spew discreetly in bathroom sinks and garden beds. I’m juggling nausea, constant UTIs and only truly feel awake for 6 hours of the day.

Vegetables make me gag. Salad? You’ve got to be kidding, right? All I can eat is icy poles, Sausage McMuffins and Cheese and Bacon rolls… actually, to be completely honest… anything that comes in a package, otherwise known as ‘junk heathen food’, can be mostly tolerated. Apparently ‘exercise’ can help nausea… yeah? Who came up with that brilliantly misleading fact? A man? I have to cancel my gym membership and go to bed early every afternoon just to escape the sick.  This is not how I had imagined my glowing pregnant body to respond. I’ve become everything I thought I wouldn’t be.

So, sister… (clause: *if you’re not at high-risk*)… eat that cheeseburger, indulge in that cake… yes! Do it! And while you do it, please ignore that judgemental, unenlightened twat giving you that look… and hopefully karma will get them, as it did me…

First Trimester Bump